Losing people is an all too normal part of growing up, but it was something that I had difficulty coming to terms with as I live through my early 20s.
Earlier this year, I went through an intense breakup with my partner of three and a half years, followed suit by the breakdown of multiple friendships in a series of somewhat related events.
Needless to say, it had not been an easy year for me.
Before then, I had never experienced such drastic turns of events in my life. While there were childhood and school friends that had drifted away naturally as a result of distance and growing apart, never had I gone through anything like this. Countless sleepless nights, finger pointings, confusions, miscommunications, anger, sadness, betrayals, etc. And the kicker is? ‘Til this day, I cannot say with certainty if there was a clear villain in the story. After endless back-and-forth’s, there was no clear winner. Everyone lost.
As much as it hurts, losing people is all part of the process as we mature and evolve.
It took a while for me accept that nothing is black and white. I had to accept that there are multiple truths, and it is okay to agree to disagree. Someone could have played a significant role in your life but is not meant to be in it forever. Someone could have been the love of your life but have also hurt you deeply. Part of maturing is understanding that two seemingly conflicting facts can be true at the same time. We tend to categorize people as “good” or “bad,” but doing so overly simplifies the complexities that make us individually human.
It’s easier to forgive people that are not as close to us for their wrongdoings, but we expect much more from people we’re close with. We find it harder to let things slide when dealing with our inner circle than with our mere acquaintances. The more we trust, care, and love someone, the harder it is to accept their flaws, especially when those flaws affect us personally.
It is all too easy to point at someone and put the fault all on them. You think it hurts less if the blame is not on you. In some ways, it is true — it’s probably easier to go about life thinking you did nothing wrong. But at this stage of life, I know it is not true. Admitting you are at least part of the problem is hard, because that means you need to change — either your actions or your view of thought, and neither is pleasant nor easy.
But allowing problems to snowball without addressing the root cause can result in even worse outcomes down the road. Admitting you make mistakes can be the best thing you do for yourself. I’ve made more mistakes in my 20s so far than I ever had in the past — coming to this realization terrified to me death. How could I know everything when I was young, but I know absolutely nothing now? I thought I was supposed to grow wiser as I got older, so why do I constantly feel so stupid?
It is terrifying to admit that we’ll never get close to understanding everything. In fact, the more we learn, the less we know. It’s contradicting. The more I think about it, the less it makes sense. After many restless nights and listless mornings where I felt unmotivated, uninspired, and lost in life, I’ve come to my last resort: surrendering.
Surrendering has become the best tactic to deal with loss — the loss of close ones, loved ones, people that were once significant in our lives, people we thought we couldn’t live without. Surrendering to control and to the idea that anything can be made better if we could do more or be better. Surrendering to the idea that not everything we’ve crossed paths with is meant to stay, and that is okay.
We think that surrendering means losing our agency, but in fact, it is the very opposite. We feel hopeless in the absence of options, but in the options we do have, we can choose to let go. I could’ve fought to stay, to remain in their lives or to let the memories of them haunt me, but there is no point.
It still pains me to think that the people who had significant impacts in my life are no longer in it and that I can’t share any part of my future with them. It is sad to think that I am no longer part of their lives, nor a player in their futures. I’ve mourned over and over, but life must go on.
Looking forward is the best, and only, way forward. Living life to the fullest as we carry on is our best repayment to them. It is our way of saying “thank you” for everything they’ve done for us, but now it is time for us to take everything they’ve taught us and pay it forward to the people that are in our life now and will be in the future.
Despite everything that had happened between us, I am thankful for the people that were in my life. They taught me so much, and I can’t imagine where my life would be today without them. And for that, they will always be apart of me. Their absence is a reminder that we are all growing and changing.
And hopefully, for the better of us all.
